The Family That Once Was

To say that my life has been flipped upside down, is a complete understatement. It does not begin to describe what I have been going through these past weeks. The amount of time it took for my life to be drastically changed was significantly short. After a lovely family vacation for volleyball nationals, my sister and I were preparing for a mother, sister trip to my future college campus, when Gabi and I hear an extremely aggressive pounding on the front door. Automatically, Gabi starts freaking out, just like every time there is a knock on the door. We discretely peak out of the window to see who was the mastermind of the powerfully rude interruption. Much to our surprise, a policeman was behind the knocking at the door.

He very ‘kindly’ (note the sarcasm) informed me that my family was to be getting evicted from our home. First off, to say that the news I was receiving was shocking to an 18 year old girl whose parents were off at work and running errands. The responsibility that was shifted onto my shoulders was one that I was most certainly not prepared to carry. So low and behold, my family started to fall apart. After my dad was able to work something out with the mortgage company, we were able to postpone the eviction till the following week. My sister and my mother and I did go to campus and we had a great time exploring and talking to different people on campus.

When we arrived back at the house, I had asked my parents if I could go meet with one of my friends, they said yes, but that we were going to be having a family meeting before I could leave. When Gabi and I sat down on the couch, my mother informed us that my parents would be separating for a while and that my mother would be moving into an apartment with my sister and I. To say that I was devastated was an understatement. My dad said that he was going to do his best to save the house, and to get the family back together. The eviction kept getting postponed for around two weeks, causing more and more hope to develop inside of me, leading to a devastating result that my dad was just running out of energy trying to save the house, which I could understand, but that is my home. Even though that house holds some terrible memories, it is where I have grown up. My whole life was spent in that house, and I do not want to give it up to someone else. I know that sounds selfish, but right now, I could really care less.

My dad was able to find a few houses that were rent to own, which are very nice houses, and to be honest, it would be nice to live in either of them. When I was younger, I always wanted to move, but when we were moving into the apartment, I was extremely reluctant, to the point that when my dad still had the house, I had moved certain items back into the house. In order to save money, I told my mom to take my mattress so that she would not have to buy another one, which means that I currently do not have a physical bed right now, sure, I am sharing a mattress with my sister, but its not the same. My room is barely the size of my old room, and I have to fit all of my belonging into this small square of a room. I have donated and thrown away so many items, that I either should have previously gotten rid of or items that I felt obligated to throw away.

Living in an apartment is not particularly my first choice of living quarters, especially when you go from something twice in size. There are some perks, like the pool and the workout center, but other than that, I am doing my absolute best to stay as far away from the apartment as possible. Im used to saying I need to go home, but currently, I have no home. Home to me, is where family is, and since I have no family, I have no home. The only current place that I feel like home, is at my grandparents house.

I feel completely out of control of my life and I hate it. The only thing that is getting me through this right now is the support of my younger sister. She has been my rock and hopefully, I have been hers. There is absolutely no way that I would be where I am right now if it weren’t for her. I feel absolutely terrible about leaving my sister here to go through this without me here for her. I feel like a terrible sister, but I know that she can make it through this and she knows that if she ever needs anything, that I am an hour, and a phone call away. My friends have been the best support group I could ever ask for, they are absolutely amazing and I know for a fact that these girls are the best friends that I could ever ask for.

I know that this is tough on a lot of people, and that I am not the only person who has gone through something similar, but I can honestly say that I feel great respect and sympathy for those children who have to endure the harsh life of divorce and separation. It sucks and I would never wish it on anyone. I feel like it is my responsibility to remain strong for my mom, dad and sister, but sometimes, I honestly have no idea how I even make it through. I know that a lot of people may see this, but I feel like if my story can help someone that is going through something similar, or just having family problems, then it will be worth sharing my private life. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers, and he would not put you through something that he did not believe you couldn’t handle, so I know that we will survive this. I have no idea what the next day holds, but I know for a fact that as long as I have my sister, I will be good. I used to take my parents for granted and now I truly see what it means when people talk about you not truly knowing what you have until its gone. I used to hate how ‘small’ my house was compared to other houses, but right now, I would give anything to be back there. I guess that I would, but wouldn’t. That house holds so many bad memories, that a fresh start would be needed for everyone. I just want my family back together.

I know that God has a plan, even though I’m not sure what it entails for me, I know that he will guide me in the right direction and that I will make it through this. The path I take will have some detours, some more time consuming than others, but eventually, I will make it to my destination. These events have definitely fueled my desire to be successful in my career and to be smart about my finances not only when I get older, but now, when I’m just getting started on my own. Wish me luck and make sure to tell your family how much they mean to you when you have them, because you never know when they won’t be there anymore.

Black Box

Today in Creative Writing, we meditated and were told to “go” somewhere. People were naming off beaches, hospitals, mountains etc.. Me, well I went to my oh so comforting black box. I don’t know why I went there, but it was a comforting feeling. No one was yelling at me, no one was bugging me to do something. I was able to make my own decisions, and I was able to be me. I didn’t feel like I was always trying to impress someone.

Today has been somewhat worse than the prior days. Many of you that read my past blogs may have noticed that recently, my posts have not been very uplifting and they have been more sad and depressed. It’s how I have been feeling. I went to the doctor about it, and what they told me did not surprise me, more of the finally hearing it shocked me. I am not going into any details, nor do I plan on discussing my past which has led up to this. But I do plan on blogging and talking about how I am feeling. I know that there are a lot of people out there that feel very similarly to me, and I want them to know that they are not alone.

Back to the blog, Like I said, I had a doctors appointment and I was supposed to call to schedule two other appointments. We called and one appointment is this upcoming week but not as soon as we were led to believe it could be. The other appointment, and to me, possibly one of the most important ones would not be until the beginning of April. I have no idea how i am going to make it until April. It just doesn’t seem possible.

Once Upon A Dream

Sleeping Beauty, is my all-time favorite Disney Princess movie. I have never been able to explain why it is my favorite movie, but it just is. To me, my favorite Disney Princess movie should always be light, uplifting, and positive. I got so excited when Disney decided to make a movie based on Maleficent’s point on view. It never once crossed my mind that this movie may be darker and not as sweet and lovely as my beloved Sleeping Beauty was. I will be going to see it in theaters when it does come out though.

During study hall one day, my friend played Lana Del Ray’s version of Once Upon A Dream and to say I was in shock was an understatement. I loved that there was a newer version of my favorite song, but I was also upset and disturbed that it was not the sweet and romantic version I was used to. If you listen closely, you are able to catch glimpses of the darkness of some notes quickly changing to a lighter note.

The Beauty Within

At first glance, these boys seem like your typical band; their songs revolve around girls and relationships just like most boy bands. Lately, more and more songs being released by boy groups are focusing on the true beauty of both women and men.

5SOS, or if you prefer: 5 Seconds of Summer, has released their new music video, She looks so Perfect.

While watching this video, at times, I was slightly disturbed because I was not expecting certain things to happen. After watching the video a few more times, I was finally able to grasp the idea and the message behind the video.

There are many more songs that are share a similar idea and message, but this video really caused me to look past my initial thoughts and dive deeper and focus on the message of the video.

Suffocating in Darkness Part 2

It’s cloudy. When it’s cloudy, most people seem to unknowingly feel sadder. I love when it storms and when it is cloudy. Is is strange that when it is cloudy, I seem to see clearly? I feel more free when it rains. When the sky cries, I get to cry. When the sky smiles, I have to smile.

Suffocating in Darkness

Do you ever just cry for no reason? I have. Lately, I just cry. Tear flow freely like they have been waiting by the gates for the day to finally come when they get to escape. At least they get to escape. The worst is when you don’t even feel yourself crying.

Do you ever feel like you can’t breathe because everything going on around you is slowly suffocating you? I have. Where everything is so close and so big around you that you cannot move without them following you. They are like blankets covering every possible part of your body. Each time something happens, another blanket is added and eventually you get so hot, and the blankets end up weighing you down so much that you cannot move.

Do you ever just get to the point where you physically can’t talk? I have. My mind is racing with thousands of things I want to say, but my mind won’t slow down enough for my mouth to catch up with it. My mind is screaming at me, frustrated that I can’t seem to communicate with anyone; not even myself.

The only thing I seem to be able to tell people is that mentally I am not here. Sure, people say that all the time, but I can’t seem to even figure out where I am. All i know is I see darkness. A dark room that never seems to end. Imagine those typical scenes in movies where someone is in an all white room by themselves. The only difference is that mine is dark.

Oscar Wilde

Everyone deserves to be who they are, and loved for who they are. Find someone who will praise you for being you and who will make it seem like all your ‘quirks’ are perfect.

Budweiser Commercials

In study hall today, my teacher was showing her class the Budwiser Super Bowl Commercial:

It really got me thinking about how much we, as a society take for granted all the little things. I, usually not being one that follows trends, did not want to blog just about that video, so I went and I found this commercial:
This commercial was only aired once. That’s it. It’s a shame that it was only aired once, although it makes sense as to why it would only be aired once.

It Could Happen To You

Let me start off by saying that I am not expressing my support, nor my disaproval on gay marriage. I am simply expressing how this video and the constant arguing makes me feel.

Lately, my views on gay marriage have not really changed. To me, it doesn’t matter if you are straight or gay. As long as it doesn’t drastically change my life and effect me, then I am fine with it. I am a very relaxed person when it comes to things like this. The hopeless romantic in me sees nothing wrong with wanting to find the love of your life. The whole idea about homosexuality is still a little strange to me, but it is not my place to tell someone who they have to love and how they are supposed to live their life. If being gay makes you happy, then by all means, be happy. Just don’t go flaunting it where it makes people uncomfortable.

There is a common ground for this issue. If gay marriage does not affect someone, then it should not matter. We as Americans need to be supportive of each other. Gay people have gone to straight marriages, so why is it such a bad thing for straight people to go to a gay marriage? Homosexuality should not stop anyone from being friends, stop family from talking, or even prevent someone from pursuing their happiness. If a straight person was truly a gay person’s friend, then it shouldn’t matter if they are gay or not. A gay person typically does not have a problem with straight couples, so why do straight people feel the need to constantly discriminate against gay people?
The problem with gay marriage is not the idea of two men or two women being married, it is the fact that every single American citizen has an opinion. Every opinion is slightly different, and every single person has the right to voice that opinion.

Americans tend to always want to get their way and tend to always want/ have to be right. If a person is not gay, then their opinion should not matter. It is not affecting them! Some religious groups believe that being gay is a sin and therefore gay people will go to Hell. If that is true, then why would complete strangers care if a gay person is going to Hell or not? Im not saying that it is not right to care about all people going to Heaven, I am just saying that strangers tend to not really care about each other, and rightly so. I am simply saying that if gay marriage does not influence your life, then your opinion does not really matter. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness, it says so in the Declaration of Independence.

After watching the video, my opinions have not really changed. I have always been pretty neutral when it comes to gay marriage. I would say that I am appalled. With how the family reacted to Tom’s confession. Family is suppose to support each other and to want each other to be happy. I felt ashamed to live in Indiana because I think that people that see this video will think that all residents of Indiana are like this. In my opinion, I do not believe that most of Indiana is like that. Those parents should have allowed him to at least go to the funeral. Tom was his best friend and soulmate, and to threaten him if he came to the funeral, is just unacceptable. He is mourning just like the family, it may have made the grieving process a little bit better, had the family invited him to grieve with them.

There is a movie called Bridegroom, which is a documentary about Tom and Shane.

Here is the link to go find out more about their story: http://www.oprah.com/packages/bridegroom.html

Here is the trailer for Bridegroom:

Gautama Buddha

Whatever you think about yourself mentally shows physically. Everyone is beautiful in their own ways, so find the best parts about you and celebrate them. If you are tall, be proud of that. Be proud of both your physical and mental characteristics. There is only one of you in the world, so be proud that you are one in a million.